posted 9th July 2025
How I ended up here
According to psychologist and psychotherapist Carl Jung “the first 40 years of your life are just research and development”. And I would have to agree.
Today, I am the founder and owner of a business that I believe in. A holistic wellbeing space incorporating all the things that have helped me get through life’s up and downs over the last 20 years, in particular.
Welcome to Tealing Garden
My first love
The first dream I ever had was that I wanted to be a dancer… the ones you see in the Moulin Rouge in Paris. All I wanted to do was be admired for elegance, beauty and grace and live a somewhat romantic life.
But a few things were in my way. I had zero balance, my flexibility and strength were poor, and I had my dad’s sense of rhythm – non-existent.
However, I was determined to change that and my mum obliged; sending me to private dance lessons… which did make a difference.
At the age of 18, I ended up with a place at The Arts Educational Schools in London on the musical theatre course.
I was naturally a good singer and actress, with the ability to tune into behaviours and energetics, and when I sang, I found a great sense of joy and peace within me. But it didn’t interest me as much as dancing did, at this time.
Identity crisis
About three months into the course, I noticed I just wasn’t coping, I was barely eating anything because I had zero energy to cook or time (I use to work in a café uno until 1am most nights trying to pay for my fees), and the training was vigorous.
Then my body started to ache, day in day out… which was probably the lack of nutrients in my diet, minimal sleep against 8/9 hours of strict performance training, and working on my days off also. I’ll never forget my ballet teacher pulling me to one side one day and asking me if I was taking drugs…. I was mortified … but I must have seemed completely out of it, running on empty.
I wanted to leave, but an authority figure told me to stop being ungrateful and put the phone down. Did I have a choice? I didn’t feel I did.
The thing was, I did enjoy what I was doing but I was just exhausted, burnt out. I had no real rest, not enough fuel and barely had enough money to get by...I was constantly in my overdraft. I also had no one I could talk to about it as most people at the college were on scholarship and had come from wealthier families, so nobody bar a handful of us, had to work as well.
8 months later I slipped on water while in the middle of a dance routine, from a leaking AC unit in the dance room. Which, might I add, I saw very clearly before I jumped. I unfortunately dislocated my right hip, tore numerous ligaments in my foot, knee and ankle on the same side. The pain was unbearable. I was sent to hospital and on crutches for 6 weeks.
One honest friend said to me that I did it on purpose, but I wasn't aware of how dissociated I was from myself, nor could I see my deep desire to be out of there, and I was too attached to this create identity to give it up at this moment.
There was a physio I went to regularly but he charged a fortune and nothing really changed within my situation over the months, bar the fact I had to work more to pay for it. I did start taking homeopathic remedies at the time … self-prescribed, based on instinct…. arnica, calendula….I was drawn to them. I refused to take the anti inflammatories.
During this time, I lost copious amounts of weight by going on a no carb diet, just to gain some sort of control. I spiralled into a heavy depression, as the only thing I held in regard about myself – my ability to perform, was taken from me. If it couldn’t get any worse I ended up in hospital with an abscess in my right kidney about 6 months later, with doctors saying I was lucky because it could have turned to sepsis. This wasn’t just physical, this was an emotional breakdown… and if you have ever read “You can heal your life” by Louise Hay, you know that the kidneys hold fear, criticism and disappointment; I feared being nothing. And without performing, I believed that I was nothing.
A week or so later when I came out of hospital, the chairman of the school and the dance teacher sat me down and politely told me I should consider another career, maybe working as a props master….. my heart and ego broke into a million pieces. They were letting me go. But I was so numb and detached from my true self, I couldn’t cry, laugh or even get angry… I was completely empty.
Awareness
I was lucky enough to see a therapist at the time which was provided by the college … we engaged in various cognitive, abstract and creative therapeutic techniques; he talked about energy and auras…. he opened up my mind to see so much more of the world and myself; things I had secretly connected with but never showed to anyone for fear of rejection. We navigated the copious layers of conditioning that made me create this façade.
His work saved me. I owe a big thanks to Robert Lewis (now retired), for this awakening and friendship.
Problem number 1 was that I had identified myself with being a performer – my whole worth was hooked to it. And movement was my freedom.. it took me away from my troubles, it cleared my head moment by moment. It was my escape. But now I was limited by movement because to sit was like knives in my hip, up my back and into my neck, even sometimes numbing my eye. To dance, and particularly jump which I had loved most, was like constantly having a toothache but in your hip, knee and ankle. I knew that sitting around wasn’t the answer, but I also knew I needed to sit with myself and rest which was not something I had ever felt comfortable doing.
Holding onto the ego
I decided to redirect my energy (so I thought), and applied to straight acting schools, where I received a place a year later at the same school, but on the acting course.
I took a year out to save, applied for funding and a loan, got a boyfriend and went back a year later. I enjoyed my time, although I never really felt like I fully belonged, something always felt empty. I didn’t like the classic texts and I wasn’t edgy enough looking for the modern texts, I was always type cast as some sort of sexy young waitress or queen like role- which annoyed me immensely, as I knew I was so much more than this.
Half way through my final year, my overseas boyfriend surprised me and my friend with a trip skiing over new years 2008. Both of us had never skied and we were both rather Bambi in style, trying. My friend was sensible and got off the slope after a few rounds of falling over. Ironically, I was going for it and as I said “last round”, I went straight into my boyfriend on a flattish surface and fell head first on the ice. If that wasn’t the angels trying to knock some sense in me, I don’t know what was! I was unconscious for a dangerously long time and air lifted to the nearest hospital. My friend and boyfriend thought I was dead. I woke up hours later to triple vision, the room spinning and my head banging as if id drunk far too much tequila on an empty stomach – hell.
It was meant to be the last important months of training, but the whole world was a living rollercoaster, even when I closed my eyes. Vertigo haunted me for nearly 3 months. Bach flower remedies definitely helped with the nausea and dizziness.
I was told by the doctor not to do anything physical for some time....the universe really wanted me to sit with myself so badly -the good, the bad, the ugly and the great. (I just wasn’t ready yet, obviously.) The weirdest thing was that my dad also had a skiing accident about 10 years previous….. if there such thing as living your parents pain? Another linking message, each boyfriend either didn't have a dad, or had a bad connection with their dad..... messages were coming through.
As the dizziness subsided and my swollen face calmed down, I left drama school with no agent and no job. I grafted hard to find work on my own… mostly profit share and fringe theatre and film roles. I was always in debt, always in survival mode, always fighting to be seen and I noticed my temper had got a lot shorter than normal (the side effect of a head injury that nobody really tells you about). You can learn more here.
Amongst the career hustle and fuzzy head, I got side line jobs as a brand promoter and ambassador, customer service ambassador, nanny (not babysitter), network marketer, travel estate agent, sales assistant, bar staff and waitress. I set up my own showgirl act and joined a vintage tap-dancing act, qualified as a croupier and got promoted to marketing and events manager – you name it, i’ve probably done it. These jobs came and went so quickly because although the boss knew I was an actress and needed time off for auditions and callbacks, when those moments actually came, I either had to lie and say I was sick or the unpredictability didn’t really work for them and I was let go.
No back up job and no potential career job in hand… it was time to pick myself up AGAIN.
New worlds
By 2012 … 7 years after I had ventured out on my dream and 6 years after my slip-on water, I was still physically incapable of even going for a walk without being in pain. I was swimming regularly by this point and doing my best in low key dance classes through the pain (do not advise). I had also been trying hot Bikram yoga and Ashtanga yoga, although it didn’t budge my pain, I did find it very powerful energetically (I slept better after). However, I literally couldn’t do half of the class because it was so hard.
I also found a heart-warming homeopath during this time called Roberta Young (who is also a magical artist), who helped me through some challenging emotions… welcoming pulsatilla …a powerful purging and rebalancing remedy for me, and turquoise (my lucky colour) into my life.
I moved to Dubai in January 2013 (I’ll tell you about how I got there another time) , and this shiny place in the desert moved mountains for me. Little did I know I was stepping out of my Pluto line (the line of constant heavy deaths and rebirths) and near to my Sun (where you shine bring) Jupiter (area of luck) and Mars (driving force) lines. After just 1 year of diligent networking and knocking on doors, I worked in TV commercials and an Arabic TV series, I walked catwalk shows and saw myself in local magazines, I performed in kids panto shows and school tours, hosted numerous roadshows, exhibitions and prestigious gala dinners, became a news anchor and journalist for the UAE’s longest running English newspaper “Khaleej Times" and subsequently one of the precursors for the evolution of the multimedia department. I earn't enough money to rent, eat well, travel and save. Most importantly, this is where I connected with my true self.
Connecting back to my authentic self
Between 2013 – 2023:
I did a number of reiki sessions with an ex Tibetan monk and without even being in his presence, he managed to stop my stalking, possessive boyfriend from trying to bang down my shared house door every night… I knew then that there was much more powerful quantum’s than the reality of life.
I joined a monthly women’s healing circle run by a Russian shamanic healer who had worked with tribes in the Amazon.
I discovered yin yogaon my first trip to Bali in 2015, and the physical pain that I was still carrying since 2006 completely dropped within a one hour and 15-minute session at The Yoga Shack in Nusa Lembongan.
I took my first yoga teacher training in 2017 with Jo Phee, first assistant to yin yoga founder Paul Grilley in Yin and myofascial release, through the whirl of curiosity.
From there I spent more time in Bali and the Middle East studying traditional Hatha and Vinyasa at The Alchemy of Yoga in Bali, Swing yoga with Yoga First, Surya Kriya; online with Sadghuru, learnt yogic philosophy, pranayama, and meditation in India with Dr Keshava and Vishwajeet Singh.
I did an intensive NLP course with John Hannah mind coach after reading a lot of books on CBT and NLP.
I went to a couple of psychic and medium group sessions in the Middle East where I revealed an unusual talent whereby I could read objects… I will never forget the lady crying in front of me when I relayed a memory associated to the necklace she had brought in for the exercise …..without me even knowing the women or the object before.
I went to some shamanic healing sessions with a Siberian drumming Sharman in Brighton, UK, and started to see animals in the meditations. Foxes, snakes, wolves.
Chronic illness
In between all of this, in 2015 I contracted a virus that couldn’t be diagnosed by doctors through all the many tests I had done (CT, bloods, internals) yet they still wanted to give me heavy antibiotics over and over again. I self-medicated with trial and error and instinct; Turmeric. Cranberry. D mannose. Pomegranate, lemon. mallow, yarrow, nettle, cardamom, cloves, agnus castus….. and had a distention done on my bladder – recommended by one urologist who gave me a wrong final diagnosis of “incurable but manageable interstitial cystitis”.
A supposedly new start
As it reached the end of 2018, I moved back to the UK. I thought I had met my forever partner and was ready to make a fresh start back to my roots, but suddenly everything I put my hand to crumbled, and everything I had held in high regard didn’t seem important anymore.
I began to lose my drive and focus, and as another setback after set back occurred, the people who I thought I was close to became distant, frustrated, confused, annoyed.
I started getting terrible nightmares and visions (partially due to the virus taking my iron and energy sources), I began to feel clouded, angry, the money I had saved whilst abroad seemed to disappear into a vacuum; life seemed to be going completely against me in every direction, only to make me feel like I had no purpose at all. And the worst part, I was back home surrounded by family and long-time friends and yet I felt lonelier than I could ever imagine. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore.
It was the start of the ego death and time to delve into my darkest hour yet.
Battling with the ego
Over the course of the next seven years I swung between trying to make teaching yoga and meditation a living, finishing my training as a journalist but not wanting to be a journalist anymore. Running back to the Middle East at the first opportunity because of the previous abundance it had given me, but not being the same person as I previously was. Thinking more and more about our place on earth, the role of the amazon, the moon, the stars, the medicine that is on our doorstep, sunsets, sunrises, hugs, home grown food, cats, cats, cats, all animals, living off grid, why we do what we do, what is it all for, what happens when we die, what really matters!
The thoughts were huge, I sometimes got a headache with the grandeur of my thoughts. Not forgetting deliberating and constant pain I had in my bladder from the virus.
The biggest problem by this point though was still my ego, because I needed money to live but I just had no drive to do the things I had done before that had made me a living. And the thing I wanted to make a living (holistic wellness) was just taking me more into the negative. I was also battling with self doubt in this field even though I had 3 yoga alliance trainings and two mind coaching certifications…. My low self-esteem was yet again taking the lime light!
I loved the UK for its nature, its seasons, its fertility and diversity in nature, but my bones hated the cold, and the standard of living was just so low in comparison to how I had lived in Dubai,on a much smaller budget. But in the UAE the heat is stifling for 6 months of the year, you can barely go outside (which is a big love of mine), it is a harder place for liberal and open women to live in than men, there’s not much green nature and I had a partner to think about (what he wanted to).
I was clinging to the things that had made me feel safe before. But in reality, they didn’t bring me happiness, and I didn’t feel that I was making a difference in the world (which I knew was ultimate goal). Even if it wasn’t completely clear at the time.
I couldn't get a job, I couldn't earn money, I had no place I was able to live at one stage because of these factors also, I was constantly tired and I was bleeding from areas I really shouldn't have been.
I was finally set free from one burden in November 2023, when a recommended psychic told me I had Trichomoniasis, and with one online test, it was confirmed that she was indeed correct. Much to mine and my doctors absolute shock.
One week of very strong antibiotics and probiotics/herbs following, my fire for life, my libido and my energy returned somewhat, which allowed me to feel more comfortable living in the present again.
Making space for the new
So even though so many things were seemingly taken away from me over the last 7 years …my health, my relationship, friendships, family members, my fully booked classes and workshops, over 150 jobs full time jobs I applied for, my bank account, societies so called stability (house, car etc), and of course my sanity! …. I realise now it was all a portal for transformation and expansion.
Yoga has always taught me that without letting go there can be no space for the new.
So over this time I cleared what no longer served me and found:
• My truest friends.
• That being yourself also means being ok with people not liking you.
• That being honest will trigger untruthful parts of people.
• That what you think of yourself is the only important opinion.
• Astrology is like having an excellent personal assistant.
• Soul contracts will highlight your soul purpose.
• Herbal medicine is working with nature and not against it.
• Cats are spiritual guardians, and I have a special bond with them.
• That we can enjoy life for the sake of just enjoying, not just in celebration.
• That my heart is big and that not everyone needs to have access to it.
And most importantly, I founded Tealing Garden
A holistic wellbeing space that helps you navigate, understand and manage the ups and downs of your time on earth. So you can live a purposeful and fulfilling life!
*Because life is a journey of discovery, and its definitely easier to navigate when there are tools and a compass to help you.
