posted 13th August 2025
Solid foundations
Life brings us both light and darkness…..love, hope, joy…yet hurt, pain and sadness.
Nobody is exempt from these feelings, although some people have foundations that enable them to be supported through the good and bad, and some unfortunately don’t.
The irony being that the people I know who do have these grounding and comforting foundations seem to just think if you put your mind to something it can be achieved, without even considering (or even being aware) that their support network plays a vital role in how they feel accepted and welcomed in this world, and subsequently how they are motivated to survive. And those who don’t, tend to (and understandably so) carry a burden of victimhood and loneliness within them, being more prone to feelings of helplessness, inferiority and feeling like they are carrying the load all by themselves; bringing up thoughts such as "it might be easier to just give up."
Although it is apparent that each end of the scale sits within different parameters, the one parameter that I feel is most significant in the above observation is how we move forward in life, and that is, if we matter.
You could have everything materially going backwards in your life, with worse case scenarios including loss of a job and home, alongside a financial or health crisis. But if you have a supportive network of people you can rely on, those who do not judge you and are there for you unconditionally, especially during harder moments, you are still going to feel like you matter. And most likely, feel a motivation to pick yourself up; feeling like there is a good reason to move forward positively.
In addition, I have also found that people I know or have met who have a strong cultural faith, whether it be a religion or spiritual practice, tend not only to be devoted to their practice, but also devoted to living life well, and tend to be drawn to a sense of community rather than entertaining independence. Almost owing it to the higher realms to do a thorough job here on earth.
In reverse, if your material world is crumbling and there is nobody who cares, or you feel like cares, your motivation for life and to move forward can seem wavering, unstable, unfocused, indecisive. Because, “what’s the point?”, nobody is listening anyway. (Or so it seems).
Hope
With the growing rate of suicide (or what I would call the growing rate of exposure to suicide cases) and having experienced regular suicidal thoughts myself over the past few years, I thought it my duty to share why mattering maybe a key factor in wanting to be here.
Of course there are other factors that may contribute to suicidal thoughts, depression and darker thoughts that cannot be dismissed, including nutritional deficiencies, parasites, undiagnosed/chronic illness, perimenopause/menopause and other hormonal changes, deep grief or loss.
However, having been through this kind of darkness, my reflection always pinpoints back to mattering as a core component in any situation. I believe it is directly linked to being motivated in life (including having a purpose), setting goals and being able to achieve them, and generally feeling you are important and worthy to be in this world.
So how do we matter?
Firstly, let’s consider the three major components that can make us feel like we don’t matter and how we can reverse the feeling:
Not being heard
• When people don’t listen to us from our perspective we feel unheard, unseen and unimportant. Active listening includes being 100% present with what someone is saying and not projecting your idea onto what is being said.
My advice on how to be a better listener: Listen to what is being said without interrupting their flow, then ask questions that help the person discover what they need to feel better, like: “How does this make you feel?”, “How do you think you can move forward from this?”, “Is there anything I can do to make things better for you right now?”,” Would you like to go for a walk and talk some more?”… If you have had a similar situation, at the end of your conversation you can share your experience and see if there are things that helped you that might help them also.
Not being seen
• This feeling of not being seen is more real than ever before, thanks to social media and smartphones. People walk down the streets looking at their phones, rather than looking up and engaging with others. We go to coffee shop, a bar, a restaurant with or without friends and nobody interacts with other tables or, in some cases each other! Why? Because of the darn phone.
The most ridiculous thing about this is, that what people are looking for in their phone (connection) is actually next to them. But they need to be ok with eye contact, gestures of affection and in person conversation. Something that hasn’t been part of a Gen z upbringing, but definitely is something I was lucky enough to encounter.
We need to learn to be open again and not judge someone approaching us or engaging with us, in a somewhat random fashion and maybe without agenda, as sinister or possibly abusive (which the media has made us believe). This introvertedness, isolatedness and solo living is making us all feel detached from the world, and in turn, not seen. My advice? Next time you’re out for the day – don’t take your phone with you, or if you really need your phone for whatever reason, keep it in your bag and on flight mode when in a coffee shop, bar, restaurant and see how you are without it. Can you smile at someone sitting next to you? Can you say hello to the guy/girl you are attracted to? Can you just enjoy being in that place and observe what’s around you without a distraction from the ‘present?
Not getting out of your comfort zone
• Going to the same places leaves us open to only what we know and shrinks the perspective of reality. A reminder that the world is huge!! So go out there an explore it! See and meet new people. See and experience different places, and cultures. Engage!!! Engage in life and get out your comfort zone. There are people waiting to meet you!
Not being known
• Without people knowing you, how can they know you!! Now I’m not talking about trying to be famous (as this seems to be a growing narcissistic need for most people these days) but, whether you’re running an online business, travelling solo, looking for a new job or career path without putting yourself out there and saying hello, nobody actually knows who you are and where you are! Let yourself be known by people you meet, and places you go. Write in a forum or on a social media group, go to an event or even put on an event!
If we look at each element here, we can understand that each one relates to bonding and connection. Feeling part of something more than ourselves and consequently we have a need to survive.
Survival instinct
Family love
When healthy families are built, the children’s survival depends on the parents. The child reacts based on its needs and the parent responds accordingly to feed that need, weather it be with food, water, love, rest, cleanliness. The survival instinct is what keeps both parties moving.
Romantic love
When we interested in someone romantically, we have a natural tendency to want to be the best version of ourselves for them. Especially at the beginning of the relationship. It’s a form of instinct for the relationship to survive and on a biological level, even if you don’t want children, a way to make sure procreation happens or the act of procreation will stay in place. It’s the survival of the human race. And, have you ever noticed that couples who rely on each other and trust each other, thrive? Because the space between them is safe enough to carry each other’s weight when needed, making the whole experience of life much lighter and easier to manage.
Friendship
When we have friends that we can trust, we feel safe to look out for them and vice versa. In hard times, we look for ways to get out of the hard place, for our survival. If a trusted friend listens, some of the burden can be lifted; we feel lighter and our ability to keep going or surviving is reenabled.
So my theory is that, aside from basic needs like food, water, shelter, having others that we can trust and rely on to share our ups and downs with in life, is, what I believe, the answer to our need and want to survive.
Do you feel like your thoughts sometimes take over you?
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